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Please translate and listen to this. It`s hilarious. Thank you. Matsuken Sa-m-ba.

A very funny article on compliments and winning and losing the compliments game in Japan.

These are all gleamed from local Osakan Personal columns. None of these are made up. The Western - Eastern blend seems to bring out some interesting freaks.

• Married USA male (35) seeks female - email……
• Nice looking sincere JM seeks sex-friend. Any nationality welcome.
• Good looking Man from Australia, visiting Japan each month to Osaka and Kobe and Kyoto area. Look forward to meeting girls from 20 to 35 years of age for lunch, dinner, Weekend travel, casual sex, laugh, joke and fun time! I speak sukoshi [a little] Japanese. Email sydneyfunguy@…..
• Englishman (40) seeks Japanese female for honest relationship, Language exchange, romance, friendship. Email kansailovegod@….
• Handsome WM seeks attractive JF who also has herpes. Lets not worry. Email….

I`ve never really understood Geisha. Their heavily made up and whitewashed faces do not appear beautiful to me. They look like ghosts. With their long flowing robes and curious walk on tiny shoes, they assume the appearance of zombies. When I see them in the street I add uneasy moaning noises to complete the effect.

In Japan a pale white face is the ideal to aim for for all women in society. It suggests (at least historically) that if you had a white face, you are able to afford parasols, creams and other forms of protection (such as the modern U.V. ray reflecting visors) from the harsh and unforgiving sun of the long hot Japanese summers that the poor would not be able to afford. Of course in the modern West the reverse is true. It was only up until a short time ago that only the rich could afford expensive holidays to hot, tropical climates.

I sometimes wonder that if this is the case, why aren`t there large two way mass emigration plans for the West and East so that those women longing for a face only achievable by months of sun deprivation are planted in Denmark or England and those Danish and English uprooted by the plan are manoeuvred to the East. I think that would make a lot of people happier?

Man allows himself to be cooked in a giant wok for 45 minutes as an offering to Chinese Gods.

Tom Cruise can`t pitch at baseball

Today I killed Reiko`s sister`s dog Marrosan.

Well actually I didn`t fortunately, however it is only a matter of time before he dies under my hands or by someone elses and I so I thought I`d write it to prepare myself, the Shiraishi family and both my readers for this eventuality. Whether by throttling of the neck by my hands, the trampling of dog head under a heavy articulated truck or van whilst on walks or the poisoning from long since deceased bird-like (and I hope it was a bird) meal as was the case today, it is certain that his days in this world are numbered.

Of course I am against all forms of cruelty to animals. The keeping of caged birds and other wildlife that would be better suited to their natural habitat and violence carried out against animals in the name of science or fun is inhumane and wrong. For Marrosan however, I would be willing to make an exception.

He is not bad in the violent, aggressive sense of the word. He is not bad in the playful, “Oh he plays up occasionally but he has a heart of gold.” sense of the word. Rather he is bad in the sense of being badly trained, unwilling to learn and frustratingly annoying. It is only a matter of time before I am unable to pull him successfully out of the way of a large oncoming vehicle whilst he strains at the leash. Or I am unable to prevent him from swallowing a rotting, infested carcass of an unidentifiable small rodent. Or I fail to count successfully backwards from ten in order to quell my rage after finding out that after filling up and tying securely both of the bags I have taken to pick up his droppings, he still can miraculously find some more faeces to eject. For this purpose dear reader, I write this post and when the creature does meet his match under blaring horn and burnt rubber or my own two hands, at least you can say you were warned.