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Those wishing to read about traditional Japanese New Year customs and the like and who find them lacking here should go visit the excellent blue lotus blog who has three good posts up at the moment about it.

Two about New Year`s decorations and another about New Year Postcard`s

I on the other hand am at home this New Year neutralising my brain cells with alcohol instead of outside neutralising brain cells with alcohol. There are two programs on at the moment, each on different channels, providing a steady stream of traditional Japanese folk and modern pop songs which all seem to follow the same format. There`s four hours until 2006 and there seems to be no end in sight for the singing.

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English, New Year, Japanese

This is probably only funny to people in Japan. No scratch that this is only funny to me.

• Hankyu very much
• I was going to go to the CD rental shop but I was Tsutaya`d.

Any others?

Happy New Year!

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English, Pun

It`s almost the New Year. My resolutions for 2006 are to study hard enough to take and pass Level 3 of the Japanese language proficiency test (which is cunningly enough in December) and to get some glasses - an activity I have been meaning to get around to for the last year and a half.

What are your resolutions?

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English, 2006resolutions

I decided to give my blog a little clean-up for the New Year as is traditional for Japanese households - See Omisoka. I hope you like it.

With the coming of the New Year in Japan we`re all supposed to clean away the untidiness of the previous year in preparation for a new start.

A good idea naturally but for a man who prefers the structured chaos of a cluttered room over a pristinely clean one, and when faced with the might that is Reiko`s disapproving frown, it`s a regrettable one.

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English, Omisoka, 2006

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English

Ten Things To Do in Japan

Visit an onsen or sento. Yes these are public baths and someone might see your little pecker but get over that hurdle and prepare for the best bathing experience of your life.

Do Not Touch My Testicles

Instead of saying “STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!” I recently found out that I am saying “(PLEASE DO NOT) stop this right now (I AM REALLY ENJOYING THIS)”

Aichi Expo

More scary was the robot “rapper” with helium-laced Japanese voice. Not being able to understand whether he was saying “I`m the coolest damn robot there ever may be - wiggity wiggity.” or “Bow down to me now foolish mortal humans else feel the heat of my ray gun.” leant a certain menace to the otherwise innocuous proceedings. This we shall see is the one worrying trend when confronted with robots at the the Expo.

Things I`d Miss If I Went Home

Salarymen picking up old newspapers out of bins like tramps searching for food, Salarymen reading pornography on the train ride home. The annoying buzz of cicada waking me up on a scorching hot day. The long hot seasons.

Found in an English textbook

Found in an English textbook II

Sink Tales

I was waiting for a space at the urinal when a large fan next to me said “Use the sink!” This wasn`t so much an idea proposal as in, “Why don`t you use the sink?” but a command whose refusal would be punished with instant death.

Dealing with the determined English speaker seeker

I was nervous because I had been unwittingly led down into a distant place where no one except him and I knew where I was. Of course he only wanted to practice every single English conversation topic he had ever learned rather than penetrate me painfully via a rear orifice.

A Right Wing hate spreader analysed

The ill-fitting purple jacket, tie, white gloves and ginger(?) hair tint. This picture (unfortunately?) hides his near-waist length pony tail. This man has worse dress sense than I do.

Richard Gere Japanese PM

I sincerely hope Richard Gere, leader of the LDP, enjoys another term as Prime Minster of Japan.

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English, 2005

It`s the end of the year and so I thought I`d do a best of Undercover in Japan. I didn`t do one last year so today`s is for the six months I blogged in 2004. I`ll have one for this year in the next few days:

1: Nepalese pipe music

My experience with a meeting for foreigners as an excuse for Japanese people to show off their mediocre opera singing skills and a Nepalese man to put us all to sleep with his pipe music (and possibly rob us at the same time.)

2: My tale of cockroach war

A cockroach was spotted at nineteen hundred hours taking temporary shelter under a cushion on the floor. My sentry - Reiko - had spotted the enemy and after having alerted her commanding officer - myself - and taking refuge on a chair, battle lines were drawn…

3: English teaching tips

Concerning the fat kid and sports questions.

4: Japanese personals ads

These are found in the back of magazines for the foreign community in Japan. The Western/Japanese combination provides excellent comedic fodder. Sample ad:

Handsome WM seeks attractive JF who also has herpes. Lets not worry. Email….

5: More Japanse personals

6: Yet more Japanese personals

7: Tales of woe on the telephone.

“S. san? Do I look like a S. san for Pete`s sake? I`m English. Go away before I call the police.”

8: Christmas in Japan

All in all the Japanese have embraced it as it is a fun festival no matter what your beliefs. This is a time to give presents, thank those around you and decorate your house with bright lights. It`s no wonder they like it.

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English, 2004, Best, Of

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English, Sushi, Christmas, Dinner

Merry Christmas!

I shall be turkeyless and marzipan and icing sugar-layered fruitcake-less this winter although I`ve been sent some Christmas puddings which is a small consolation.

Reiko`s mother has gone to Fukuoka for the weekend to look after a sick relation which means that I have been left to walk the dog for his daily walk. His is the earliest walk on the block and probably in Japan and his incessant howling in the morning is making me want to hurt him. I shall spend 05:00 opening the door for his walk in the freezing cold instead of opening my presents.

Merry Christmas.

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English

I hate bingo now. I played the damn game five times today and the whole thing is starting to wear thin. I introduced the mighty shithead game again in one of the classes as a break from bingo and that was a fifteen minutes spent in confusion for them. I could hear them talking amongst themselves - “So when are we going to play Bingo, there isn`t enough time for Bingo.”

So we played Bingo. Gaaa!

Tags: Japan, Osaka, Asia, Quaisi, Kansai, Expat, English, Bingo