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I did an attempt at some pruning yesterday in the garden which turned out to be closer to deforestation.　　After three hours of stripping, hacking and weeding, I was left with four near-bare trunks. I got a bit carried away. The Germans have the right idea with gardens. They rarely have any. Their view is that they work hard all week at work and don`t want to spend their weekends toiling away in the garden.

When I was in England I bought a small unshaped bonsai tree which was left to you to prune and sculpt. Only twenty minutes later I was left with a stalk and some withering leaves. It died soon after.

The truly excellent blog and should-be A-lister Chandrasutra writes that；

It really impresses people when you say “Oh, I’ve written about that, just google for XXX and I’m on the top page” or “Oh, just google my name.”

Of course, thanks to an early post I made about visiting onsen this isn`t such a good idea when you`re on the first page of a search for naked old Japanese men

I have one blissful hour a week of intelligent English conversation teaching. At the school I teach at Friday evenings I have one adult class with two people - a female doctor and a 50 year old sarariman who is full of life, runs marathons and participates in semi professional Japanese chess tournaments.

This is the lesson I look forward to the most as I am able to have a proper conversation beyond “What animal do you like?” and “Do you like Football?”

The salaryman brought in a piece of paper with similar sounding sentences on them and asked me to explain the difference in implication between them. The first one was “Please be my guest” and “I`ll give you a treat” The second one sounds like it`s more of a adult to a child sentence or even “I`ll give you a treat (Please touch my penis little boy)”

An interesting one was the difference between “I will be careful” and “It won`t happen again” I thought the “I will be careful” implies that I`ll try really hard not to do it again (but it might happen again) whereas “It won`t happen again” is more certain that it is definitely the last time that will ever happen.

The next one was slightly more bizarre “The law of the jungle” and “weak meat and strong food” I didn`t really understand the last one. I could see where it was coming from but if the meat is weak why is the food strong? There`s nothing about the predator. Shouldn`t it be the other way around? It was the first time I had ever heard of this phrase. Any ideas on the differences of any of these? The week before with no warning he brought in Shakespeare`s Sonnet 18 (Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?) and asked me to explain it. Nevertheless you can see why it is my most interesting lesson.

This is a weird face seen outside a pachinko parlour.

A row of flag advertisements.

As well as wanting to stick their fingers up my arse for some bizarre reason the Japanese children enjoy attempting to grab my penis and on other occasions tickle me. Let me once again assert that this is never solicited and is ALWAYS unwelcome.

I however learned that thanks to my less than perfect (or even adequate?) command of the Japanese language I may be unintentionally asking them to carry on doing these things. Instead of saying “STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!” I recently found out that I am saying this to them but the way I say it implies “(PLEASE DO NOT) stop this right now (I AM REALLY ENJOYING THIS)” I have quickly adapted after learning of this mistake such as the dominant race on any planet should be able to do. Angry voice, crossing of arms in internationally recognised X (for no) sign and STOP (said in English) with angry face and pointing. DO NOT TOUCH MY TESTICLES!

And whilst we`re on the subject of hate, this page at Everything2.com was pointed out to me by the good Doktor Williams.

This is how Osakans are viewed by Tokyoites. Funny although being an honourary Osakan, the reply is far funnier (and accurate?)

This is a picture of a very angry man outside Namba station in the centre of Osaka. Armed with a loud-speaker and deep lungs he proceeded to scream for about 45 minutes outside the main entrance of Namba station. He is a far right-wing (loony?) with a considerable anger towards Chinese in particular and Americans.

First lets examine his attire. The ill-fitting purple jacket, tie, white gloves and ginger(?) hair tint. This picture (unfortunately?) hides his near-waist length pony tail. This man has worse dress sense than I do.

I was waiting for Reiko and listened to him/was in the way of his tirade. I picked out some words (American/Chinese/hate/hate/hate) There was a small crowd watching and listening to him. After a while I realised that they may actually agree with him and with each Amerikajin he screamed out this made me - the only Western bloke there - more and more worried.

There`s the same sort of feeling to the Chinese here as the English have for the Welsh or Germans. Most Japanese are angry that China doesn`t thank them for the billions in aid and loans sent each year. The Chinese and most other Asian countries are upset that the PM visits a Shrine to honour the bodies of Japan`s war dead including around 14 Class A War Criminals as well as authorising right wing school textbooks which gloss over Japan`s war history and territorial disputes over small but strategically placed islands/rocks. It`s an interesting place Asia.

A heavily decorated camper van in ultra trendy Americamura, central Osaka.

On Sunday whilst going for a spot of naked public bathing in the local onsen we saw a large minibus outside the front entrance. Just then an incredibly famous Japanese man walked out of the door and we realised the minibus was for him and he was doing a television programme. He saw us and thinking we (and I) were devoted fans, waved at us.

This man is a multi millionaire with a massive house in Monaco and also in my humble (and biased against all millionaires) opinion an idiot. He made his money by teaching people how to walk yet he is no miracle worker or doctor but a (very rich) man who teaches braindead models how to strut their stuff on the catwalk.

When I visit the schools the younger children upon seeing me will do a double take and their faces will explode into a puzzled frown or an expression of delight similar to if I saw David Beckham. A deft “Hello” can cause them to scream out with happiness and laughter. Of course if this was happening to me with nubile 16 year old girls wanting to be taken back to my pad in Monaco instead of rightly innocent seven year olds it would be preferable. I have achieved a glimpse of celebritydom in the schools I go to and it`s fun. I just need the celebrity lifestyle (complete with financial backing) to complete it.