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A tortuous ordeal I dread in Japan is fetching magazines for Reiko.

Reiko likes to read gossip magazines and having lived in England enjoys reading HEAT magazine - a magazine devoid of interest and complete with bubble brained celebrities and wannabes.

She set up a subscription through the local HMV and as she is confined mostly to the house thanks to the baby, it is up to me to pick them up.

Reiko told me what to say, “Reiko S___ no Heat Magazine” (Reiko S`s HEAT magazine) I`ve seen her do this when I`m there and in an act of simplicity, the assistant turns to the draw behind her and fishes out the copies.

When I attempt this however, there`s a puzzled brow, a protracted search in the computer (searching for escaped mental convicts/illegal immigrants perhaps?) to an apology that they don`t have it.

Then the ritual continues that I take them over to where the magazines can be bought and point to where the copies are stashed away from my prying gajin eyes.

A dawn of understanding rises over the young Padowan`s eyes and she reveals the hidden treasures.

Usually there is a picture of a semi clothed Jordan or other bimbo and the Padowan thinks I`ve ordered some sort of international wank mag and accepts my cash with a frown on her face.

Then I leave the store in shame to give the bounty to my wife who can learn what Andy thinks of Jeff and read of the lifestyles of the rich and vacuous. All worth it in the end.

Because it`s my blog dammit and I`ll put up pictures of my beautiful baby if I want to.

The Japan Times has two good columnists on Saturday. Japan Lite written by Amy Chavez - a cow fanatic living on Japan`s Shiraishi Island and Thomas Dillon`s When East marries West - a bi-monthly humorous column on life in Japan with his wife.

I`ve written before about Amy Chavez when she was suffering from the extremeties of the Japanese winter and now Thomas Dillon writes about the hot and humid hell of a Japanese summer:

My son calls it “air you can wear.”

He forgets to say it is not a fashion of choice. We all wear it. We have to. Each and every one of us — the 30 million sweltering inhabitants of the Kanto Plain.

Plus most of Japan’s other 90 million as well. We live these August days laminated in the clinging layers of summer.

Few places are as dismal as the city when it sizzles. But Tokyo doesn’t sizzle. It steams. And the air that you wear can wear you down.

You can get all of Amy Chavez`s columns in one place and Thomas Dillons at the bottom of this page

I`m applying for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test which takes place in December 3rd. I`m going for level 3 out of 4 which is advanced Beginner. After 2 years in Japan, you`d think I`d be better than that by now but I am naturally lazy.

It`s the level that one smug man who passed the highest level calls near useless but the act of applying to take it is proving great motivation to reach that level. It`s the kanji of course. They`re unimited. I think with 3 months of dedicated study I should know enough built on what I`ve already learnt to pass.

I`ve found a couple of sites that are really useful for information and help:

JLP Study
JLPT Kanji

Anyone know of any else or any advice for taking it?

I was walking along a part of Western Osaka on the way back to the train station after a particularly stressful Kindergarten lesson, and I spotted this little fellow on the ground next to the wall.

Thanks to Reiko and the newly crowned King of mightiness Vertical, I found out that it is an Ojizosan which is “a Japanese god presiding over road safety and safe voyages. People travelling the road would stop at the many temples to pray to Ojizosan for a safe trip.”

I`m getting married (again) in September and we went to Kobe to iron out some of the details of what colour we wanted certain things, what shape other things should be until we found ourselves FOUR HOURS LATER in a twitching frenzy discussing what scented bleach we wanted the toilets cleaned with and and how many molecules of oxygen to hydrogen we wanted in the water.

We got to the photo albums and which one we`d like. The lady seemed shocked that I didn`t want the one with the English texts scrawled across it. I told her I didn`t want it as it didn`t make sense grammatically and there were words mispelled in it.

It went something like “Tow hearrs beating as one in threre chamber”

I then thought it would be a good idea if you set up a company whose pitch was to act as a consultant for when people write nonsensical sentences on shop windows, t-shirts and scrawled across overpriced photo albums.

All they`d have to do is phone or email in the sentence and credit card details and for a small fee, I`d read the text ask them if they`re sure they truly want what it said scrawled on top and pocket the cash.

For those who think I`m being snobby or acting the know-it-all gaijin role, I `d employ Asians as consultants before Westerners decide to etch permanently motifs for Chinese gibberish instead of “honour” or “strength”

I don`t think this is a new idea as I think I saw it in Mutant Frog. But it`s a pretty good idea for a business.

If you`re sweating it away like we are over here, then please try to be cooled down by the Japanese Christmas card above. This is of Santa and his reindeer flying over the torii in Miyajima, Hiroshima.

O Mighty Pacifier! Oh Rescuer of souls, Bringer of peace, Withholder of despair, Calmer of nerves!

O Miraculous Dummy! Forgive my initial distrust of your magic, your ability to turn the frantic cries of a baby in torment into the contented sucks of an angel in heaven. I am a fervent follower of your fabulous finesse.

O Powerful Placator! You turn all-powerful statesman green with envy when confronted with your peace making talents. Your pain killing properties surpass those of the most potent opiate.

O Soother of souls! O Assuager of fear! O Proficient Appeaser!

I bow before your unlimited power and worship your Majesty.

I`m on the second week of a 3 week holiday as school is out for summer. I`m treating it as a delayed paternity leave. It`s been quite fun staying at home and getting to know Isabelle better changing nappies and learning which of her cries means I`m unable to control my bowel movements and which one means if you don`t feed me, I`ll explode with despair.

She`s fattening up well and looks like a baby version of me. I like it when I pick her up by the shoulders when she`s crying and she looks like a goblin I caught in the ground.

Of course I`m envious of my colleagues, one of whom is off on an as-yet-unplotted trip around Hokkaido and another who is jetting off to Tapei yet there are things I can be doing around Osaka that I want to check out such as the high school summer baseball tournament held in Koshien Stadium and get out and about taking some photos. I hope to put some new ones up soon.

Yesterday was the event of the Perfect Liberty Fireworks in Osaka. This is the largest firework display in the world with over 100,000 fireworks in the course of an hour. It`s held every year on August 1st and this is my third time it`s been on since I`ve been here. And the third time I`ve missed it.

100,000 fireworks in an hour sounds like something I`d have to be crazy to miss. They are about a half hour ride from my house and so loud I can hear them from there as well as see what isn`t blocked out by the hills.

100,000 fireworks also make a lot of noise. I haven`t been these three times thanks to (a) my family in-law`s desire to eat rather than watch 100,000 fireworks in an hour, (b) pure ignorance that there would be (I`m not sure if I mentioned it) 100,000 fireworks in an hour and this year (c) the new-found responsibilities of fatherhood.

There`s lots of these once-a-year festivals and events. On August 16th there is a festival in Kyoto called the Daimonji. I haven`t been though I`ve wanted to each time. It`s described here (thanks to Kansai Time Out:

“A fire is lit on Mt. Nyoigatake to form the Chinese character dai meaning large. This spectacular sight measures 250×510x408 feet.”

The ones I have been to have proven to be highlights of my stay here in Japan. The Kishiwada Danjiri festival where the townspeople get drunk and pull ornate wooden floats around at speed with men dancing on top of them is one of them as is the Tenjin Matsuri - one of the large festivals in Osaka.

However long you stay in a foreign country, there`s a limited amount of these windows of oportunities - the chances you get to view and participate in these unique celebrations and rituals. But seeing them all would take a Herculean effort and, to an extent, if you`ve seen one haven`t you seen them all?

I side with sushicam.com`s opinion:

Something different, but just as valuable to me.

A new experience.

A little bit deeper insight into this place that I now call home. Peeling back yet another thin layer of that onion to see what lies beneath.

Let’s hope I never get to the middle of that onion…