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I’ve been in Japan for almost 4 years without once going back. I want to go home. I want to have conversations with almost everybody I speak to in English rather than a minority of people. I want to be able to understand what the people at the next table, on the TV or my family are saying. I want central heating. My God I want central heating.

I want British comedy, news on time rather than a day or two late. I want to see my friends. I want Isabelle to speak English to me and hear English. I want a career without a glass ceiling. I never want to teach the 5th grade again. I’ll take the first grade though.

I want Branston Pickle, a roast dinner, fat chips drenched in vinegar and doused in salt. I want a decent doner kebab after a night on the lash. I want Reiko to realise she can be older and still have a decent career. I want a new life.

Jeff over at Sushicam has a great post on reverse culture shock.

He is on holiday in America and has some startling observations:

Where are all the vending machines?

Were people in service type positions always this apathetic, or has Japan spoiled me?

[There are] Clothing stores where: A) the clothes fit me, and B) I can afford them.

I haven`t been able to get back to England since I`ve come here though I managed trips to Hong Kong and Shanghai. I could tell the difference in the quality of service. The change is something I`m looking forward too.

This is one of my favourite pictures from Shanghai. It’s on a road just off a main city centre shopping street. It shows how Chinese men like to raise their t-shirts above their stomachs (the man in the red shorts) to keep themselves cool.

The most people who do this are pot-bellied Chinese shop owners. You’d think they’d do anything to try to get tourists to come in their shops rather than scare them away like that.

I went on a Japanese tour to Shanghai. It was one of the most unbelievable moments of my entire life. Shanghai is a great city but the most exceptional point was the tour itself.

The first day we went to what I took to be a tea tasting session at a touristy cafe. We sampled many different types of green and black teas and it was very enjoyable. After we had drank 7 different kinds, they proceeded to try to sell us the teas we’d tasted. This was a pattern that repeated itself throughout the day.

The next stop on the “tour” was a silk factory. A rapid 5 minute explanation about silkworms and a fascinating (yet short) demonstration of silk weaving preceded a 10 minute sales talk about the futons you could buy there and how they were cool in summer and warm in winter. Then they tried to sell us the futons.

After that there we saw a fashion show conveniently modelling the silk clothes on sale in the next room. We spent a WHOPPING 45 MINUTES in there.

Next was a trip to what I took to be an ancient Chinese sculpture museum. They showed us pots that took 7 years to sculpt from one piece of stone. In another room was a set of these. Our “guide” asked us how much we thought they cost. Then he told us how much they cost (10,000 USD) and told us if we were interested, they could send them to us in Japan.

Only then did it click. I’ll admit I’m a little slow-witted but it took the shock of a person I took to be a serious museum guide turning out to be a salesman to see we were being led like lambs to the slaughter around Shanghai.

It all made sense. They all spoke fluent Japanese even though they were Chinese. They all had their sales pitch and movements honed to perfection thanks to contact with slow witted tourists with a desperate social need to buy souvenirs for their friends, colleagues and family.

After that episode, the guide gave up all pretense of actually showing us around Shanghai and took us to a “Jade factory.” This turned out to be a large shop selling overpriced souvenirs with a small, abandoned workshop where statues were allegedly carved out of Jade. Possibly the last time anything was carved there was 10 years ago.

It wasn’t all bad. We went to the City God Temple and the guide was very knowledgeable about it. The people who buy large at the places they are sent to, help keep the price of the tour down for the others thanks to the commission the company gets. And the second day was all to ourselves. When we went to Hong Kong, we had to pay an extra 100 USD to opt out of the tour. Yet the tour of Shanghai was an experience. And one I won’t be repeating soon.

Make a fist with your right hand, place your left hand on your right bicep and make an upward thrusting motion with your right arm and allegedly this means Ganbatteor Try Hard/Good luck.

This is instead of the other Western meaning of I’d prefer if you’d go away/be quiet. A motion that is giving us great amusement at our work.

I do it to the kids and fellow colleagues. One day it’s going to get me in trouble though.

I’m off to Yamaguchi for a couple of days to meet with Reiko’s family. I’ve worked out how to do future posting so I’ve got posts lined up for most days I’m gone. Here’s today’s.

The above picture admittedly isn’t a great one but it shows an interesting event. My next door neighbours recently decided to rebuild their house from scratch. The bulldozers came in one day at 8 in the morning whilst I was still asleep and I thought I was in the middle of an earthquake as they tore it down.

When they had got rid of it all, they put up bamboo poles at each end and connected them with string to bless it. They left it like that for a week.

Christmas in Japan is a strange thing. Christmas, as An Englishman in Osaka reminded me, is only for children anyway. And although I left the grey December skies of England for the mild winters of Osaka, it doesn’t feel like Christmas.

It was only until the last week of teaching that I started to get into the Christmas spirit. Instead of teaching the kids, we made snowmen, Christmas trees and stars to Christmas carols on the CD player and it was a lot of fun. In my last lesson another teacher dressed up as Santa and we spent the afternoon creeping up behind children and shouting, “Ho ho ho”, in their ears.

Christmas Day itself is strange here too. Being paegan heathens, only joking, none of them take the day off. This year I had to go to the doctors on Christmas Day and I helped tidy the front room up - a Japanese tradition in preparation for the New Year.

And Christmas Dinner. Last year I ate sushi, this year we had Indian curry with a roast chicken. We’ve recently discovered Costco where Reiko found a Christmas pudding. Although too sweet for the natives I was unable to stop the orgasmic groaning from my mouth.

And Isabelle. Christmas marks her six month anniversary. All immediate members of the family gave Isabelle beautiful clothes and toys including this hoodie from Reiko’s mother.

The Japanese have the habit of clapping their hands furiously when something funny is said. This would be endearing if it didn`t bring to mind seals begging for food. I always want to scream out, “Honk honk honk” when they do it.

I`ve worked in a number of evening schools in Osaka and I`ve seen a lot of children who go to English schools and work at an intensity that is unnecesary for them.

I had one eleven year old girl at my old school doing English listening tests designed for Senior High school students. Another`s mother at the school I teach at now asked for the next set of homework cards they have to study from as early preparation even though they are in the middle of the previous set now.

In both these cases it is the mother who asked the school`s managers to do these things. In both these cases, the children were introverted and although they seemed to enjoy the lessons, they weren`t happy about being made to do practice exams designed for students seven or eight years their senior.

The managers have no choice of course. Like the pub owner who opens the door to the drunk and serves him beer until his wallet is empty, these schools rely on these kinds of mothers to support their business. If the schools don`t acquiesce to their needs, they`ll go elsewhere. And there are plenty of places willing to take them.

This isn`t only applicable to English schools. I asked them what other lessons they take and they all had three or four others - swimming club, cram school, athletics, calligraphy classes, flower aranging, maths and piano lessons among the mix.

As a parent to be, I can understand that the parents want their children to be the best they can possibly be, yet a child needs space to grow and play before they are robbed of this freedom and crushed by an onslaught of exams, work and deadlines in their adult life. Why crush them when they are still young and carefree?

You`re not allowed to praise your wife`s dress sense or beauty in front of others unless you want a scathing look from her. The Japanese subscribe to the maxim, “The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.”

This works the other way of course. If somebody tells Reiko I`m handsome, she`ll answer, “Simon? No, he`s got a big nose and arms the size of a chicken`s leg.” even if she thinks I`m handsome as well.

This level of insincerity is startling and unnerving especially when you`re being put down by your own wife in front of others. I at least hope this is Japanese culture and not my wife`s unvented feelings.

The same thing happens with the baby. “Your baby must be really cute when she comes out” to which Reiko answers, “No, she`ll inherit my wide face and Simon`s big nose.” Even when we both know she`ll be the most beautiful baby in the world.