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I teach Japanese kids as young as 3. Others in different schools teach as young as 1 or 2. Even when I teach children that are six years old, I have to constantly remind myself they are 6 and not 20.

It`s easy to teach concepts that are beyond their level of comprehension.

Simple Mathematics
Time
Fractions
English meanings of Kanji they are still to learn

At the school I teach at, we have a few set routines in every class. The sit behind their chairs and introduce themselves. Then they colour in their attendance and give me their homework to be stamped.

If we’re running late, I may skip one of these activities or swap them around. This confuses the kids and I realise that they don’t entirely understand what I’m saying but have become accustomed to the sequence.

Instead of asking, “How many times did you listen to your homework?”, I could say, “Tak tak tak tak tak tak?”, a la Mars Attacks and they’d answer my question.

I say this because I’m pretty good at ordering from Americanised restaurants . The routine is usually the same wherever I go

- Eat in or Take Out?

- Do you want fries with that?

- Drink?

- X Yen please

But sometimes they change the order. Or even worse add in some extra conditions standing between you and your meal then I’m back to Mars Attacks’ Tak tak tak speak.

When I ask Japanese people how they are, they reply 98% of the time with, “I’m fine thank you and you?” A stock phrase they’ve learned from school without being told any better.

They can have the worst expression on their face, be vomiting or have tissues up their noses to stop a vicious nosebleed but still they will answer, “I’m fine thank you and you?”

When Japanese people ask me in English how I am, they are often surprised to hear a two minute monologue about my day, the trouble caused by an errant pair of glasses and what I had for dinner last night. And they leave with an expression as if they wished they hadn’t asked.

Who’s better off?

I`ve been considering making the title of this post the byline for my blog when I redesign it. Somewhere below the picture or something would go:

Undercover in Japan
Making children cry since 2005

I promise you I don`t enjoy it. I don`t get sexual gratification pulsating through my body whenever I compel a child to cry.

Today I had a parent`s observation for the 1st grade 6 and 7 year old children I teach. During the lesson, the kids had to walk up to my desk. One of them ran so I took hold of his arm and led him to the back.

He however lost his balance, fell down and started to cry. To the parents watching at the back of the classroom, it looked as if my anger held no bounds and I`d pushed a kid to the floor who had dared disobey my command.

The rest of the lesson was tense.

Last week I was lucky enough to go on two day trips with the children I teach. On Wednesday I went to Osaka zoo with the first graders. My only demand was I wasn`t placed with Yuto`s class. Yuto is in the Bible. He with the 666 tatooed on his forehead and accompanied by high-pitched staccato violin picking.

My wish was granted and I did a good job of helping the teacher manoeuvre forty kids through shanty homes, tramps and crazed cars on the way to the zoo.

Once inside I continued the exemplary job until my eyes rested on an adult male tiger roaming his uncaged area. “Jesus Malarkey Christ!” I exclaimed and abandoned the children in an attempt to get as many photos as I could on the whistle stop tour.

There were many groups of school and Kindergarten kids there all wearing their uniform and a cap in a different colour for each school and it often got hectic trying to sort the kids out from each other.

On Monday I went sweet potato picking which is a traditional autumn activity for school children.

The plot I was allocated yielded two small potatoes and a larger one whilst everyone else got around eight. There was something fishy afoot but I clung to my prize like an Olympic champion displaying his medal.

A four year old kid came into my lesson the other day wearing a t-shirt that said, “My mother smoke, drank and dropped acid during my pregnancy.” which caused me to splutter my coffee around the room in shock.

Whilst not quite beating the I hate N*****s t-shirt I think it comes a close second.

We read stories to the kids at school in English. They are from four years old and up. There is one story called What a bad dog about a dog called Floppy who causes endless problems for his family by running in the mud, pulling the washing down and barking during the night.

Only the reason he`s barking during the night is because the family left the oven on and there`s a fire in the kitchen. Grateful that disaster has been averted they proclaim him a good dog. And everyone lives happily ever after.

Unfortunately the kids don`t get it. They see a dog that runs in the mud, pulls the washing down and starts fires in kitchens. They`re mystified that the bad dog with newly found pyromanical tendencies is proclaimed good and it takes a lot of explaining.

I like these books as they use British English and have typical female English names like Biff. I lived next door to a girl named Biff when I was younger. Yes I did. In my head.

Number of children ejected from my classroom kicking and screaming - 2

Number of children I attempted to eject from the room kicking and screaming before I caved in - 1

Number of children I attempted to eject from the room kicking and screaming who should have been ejected before I caved in - 1

Number of children I made cry this week - 2

A slow week.

1: The foot. When you visit a Japanese school, you must change your shoes into the plastic green slippers they provide for you. The Japanese foot is around 5 centimetres smaller than the Western one meaning you must force your bulging foot into the narrow front whilst leaving the back of your foot hanging over the edge. Try jumping in it and suffer your very own Rooney-like metatarsal injury.

2: Ears. Ask 30 Kindergarteners to count to 20 with you and see how long your ears can stand the onslaught. And how long until the ringing ends. I can`t hear you! No really I can`t…

3: Throat. Lead 5 high tempo English classes in a row and feel your vocal chords torn to shreds

4: Cocaine Addiction. Because lets face it do you think it`s easy being lively and talkative for hours on end. Your name`s Kouki? Wow! That`s the most interesting thing anyone`s said to me today etc. etc.

5: Exposure to every single virus imaginable. Teach over 400 children a week, most of whom have only recently learned to control their bladder and are in the process of learning that placing fingers, game chips and pens into their mouths isn`t socially acceptable behaviour and the bird flu threat suddenly pales in comparison.

6: Ostracisation from the family. Got a school to teach at in the morning? It`s an hour away. Got another in the afternoon? Another hour. Going home? Yet another hour. You`ll leave home at 7:00 and come back at 9:00. Congratulations, you have just become a Japanese salaryman. And your family hates you.

Sick of your dead end job and your boss? Want to try some different with your life such as experience a new culture and learn a language. Then you could consider teaching English in Japan. This will try to walk you through the options you have.

The first thing you need if you want to come to Japan is a degree from a University. It doesn`t matter if it`s a degree in Japanese, Art or Science, the degree is the main thing. You do not need a degree as part of the teaching requirement but for the visa requirement.

The best way to go about teaching in Japan to apply to the JET programme. This is a programme run by the Japanese government which places English speakers in schools (mainly Japanese Junior High and High Schools) all over Japan as Assistant Language Teachers.

There are many advantages to becoming a JET Teacher. Firstly the pay is very good as compared to other positions at other companies. You don`t need any experience, they sort out a place to live, a bank account and even a car in some cases. You also get a large bonus at Christmas.

You have to be under forty however as one of the main purposes of the programme is to foster an exchange between Japanese youth and young professionals from the other countries participating in the programme..

You choose your top three places to go to but you aren`t assured of which one will be chosen. Thus although you can be placed in the centre of a vibrant city with bars, sights and history all within your grasp, you may also be placed in the middle of nowhere with only an empty house and a view of onion fields as your only form of entertainment.

If successful your contract is valid for one year and can be renewed to a maximum of four times whereupon you have to leave the programme to return home or find an alternative place of employment in Japan.

An alternative to the JET programme is to apply to teach with one of the big English schools in Japan. These are ECC, Nova, Berlitz, Aeon and GEOS.

Most of these either teach small classses of children or adults or provide one on one private lessons or they can send you to teach at public schools, universities or local businesses in a similar way to the JET programme.

These schools pay less than the JET programme does and require you to work longer hours. Nova in particular is famous for this with 40 hour weeks and a general consensus in the foreign community that Nova in fact stands for No Vacation. A colleague of mine who used to work there told me he`d rather be a toilet cleaner than work at Nova.

Berlitz and ECC are the more respected of these. Beware however that Berlitz is running a campaign at the moment boasting it only takes on 4.6% of applicants to be teachers. Being large companies, these will pay benefits such as health insurance and pensions and can help find you accomodation.

There is also the possibility of entering Japan on a Working Holiday Visa. If you are from Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Korea, France, Germany or the United Kingdom, you can apply for this. Americans are mysteriously excluded from the agreement

The visa enables you to travel around Japan and do almost any job such as English teaching, bar work, catering etc to fund your travel. You are not allowed to participate in less respectable industries such as the gambling industry. This option is also a good way to get your foot in the door for application to a working visa later on.

There are however risks with this choice. With no position waiting for you when you enter as opposed to the above methods you may go a long time to find one, especially in the competitive teaching area. It could take anything up to three months to find someone willing to take you on as most places ask for some experience and veteran JET`s and disgruntled NOVA teachers are ready and willing to snap these positions up. Therefore it`s advisable to bring a substantial amount of money with you. Some guides recommend $2000 US equivalent although the more you have managed to save, the better your position will be.

Overall if you`re not concerned about where you stay in Japan I recommend the JET programme. The pay is the highest, all the hard stuff is done for you by the Japanese government and there is a large JET Community to help you out.

If there is a certain city you want to stay at above all else, sell your soul away at a large English school. You can always change if you don`t like it. If you want to spend a shorter time travelling around Japan earning money as a way to help finance it, the working holiday is for you. I heartily recommend Japan and the experience of teaching English here. It`s a country like no other.

Links

Jet Programme Website
Full list of requirements for the JET programme
PDF JET Brochure
A JET Teacher`s blog

NOVA
ECC
AEON
Berlitz
GEOS