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Childhood is the only time you`ll see girls hapily scoop up mounds of dirt with their hands and offer it to you. I was working at the kindergarten today and their playground was open for the first time. Though I successfully defended myself against later attempts, I was punched in the gonads once but years of teaching have thankfully taught me Kancho evasion manoeuvres.

We were told to wash our hands and not to touch our eyes or mouth when teaching. This is all well and good except most lessons involve me doing some sort of Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes activity defeating the point of the advice.

They seem to be misunderstanding commands as well. “Don`t put that chip in your mouth!”, means, “Cough in my face please!” One child on my left spent the entire lesson coughing on my left arm. He only stopped when I hacked up a phlegmy concoction and spat in his eye. A week later and I can still feel its weight though he will not cross me again.

I`m losing a lot of weight myself- A trend noticed since last summer. The Japanese food I eat is very healthy and entertaining 30 children at a time is strenuous. I often have to sing a six and a half minute opus called the Body March.

Less a Head, Shoulders Kness and Toes alternative than a full army style workout which orders you to march on the spot and touch a different part of your body eight times whilst transmitting coughs and sneezes to various parts of your body. At one school I do this in five consecutive lessons in heated rooms with no break.

I need to ask for danger money.