I am having a lot of problems with people ringing at the door or on the telephone whilst I am alone in the house due to my part time working hours. They all want to speak to senior members of the Shiraishi family or money for the television license or newspapers. This brings great furrowing of brows, confusion and laughs of derision when the stories are retold to the Shiraishi family.

Some of the people just want to sell me things (cold calling is prevalent here) so my incompetence is often of benefit.

“Is Shiraishi-san here?”
“No, Shiraishi-san has gone to Izumi fuchu/Namba”
“Shiraishi-san something something don`t they?”
“Yes maybe, but Shiraishi-san has gone to Izumi fuchu/Namba (you dumb @*+%)”

I wonder why they son`t just send me out every time some unwanted person rings at the door.

“Shiraishi san? Do I look like a Shiraishi san for Pete`s sake? I`m English. Go away before I call the police.” would be the easy way out every time.

Other times they have come and asked for large amounts of money for things like the newspapers. This was when I was poor before I had been paid “Come back at 8 when they are back” I tell them in Japanese so poor it brings to mind an unwanted illegal immigrant in a new country. They pause for a ponderous moment as if wondering whether to contact the police or border control and then begrudgingly grunt acknowledgement and speed off on their mopeds. Of course when 8 arrives, I have also sped off on a covert mission to pick Reiko up from the station on my battery powered bicycle of doom and therefore narrowly avoided their return.

This strategy worked so well on a number of occasions that they stopped sending the papers. This was my tactic at my last job. If they keep on hassling you, treat them so badly they will give up and go away. One more of life`s valuable lessons I thought I`d share. I`d make a great Dad.