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I was at war with a cockroach last night. Fresh from the hiding I took the other night, a cockroach was spotted at nineteen hundred hours taking temporary shelter under a cushion on the floor. My sentry - Reiko - had spotted the enemy and after having alerted her commanding officer - myself - and taking refuge on a chair, battle lines were drawn.

I was using 30 mm assault weapons - also known as a rolled up newspaper. The cockroach, though physically unarmed, was using its menacing disgustingness to full effect in an effort to thwart my plans.

I lifted the cushion up and Bang Bang Slam with the newspaper. These preliminary attacks left neither party harmed thanks to the incredible speed and manouverability of the enemy. It ran under the table and thought it was safe but I had spotted it. Bang Bang Slam again with the newspaper. One of these attacks had landed taking the enemy`s wing with it but still the evildoer remained.

Reiko went out to the bathroom to get the cockroach spray and came back with it. I continued with the paper efforts but the soldier was quick and well trained. Bang Bang, Slam. No damage. Bang Bang, Slam, Spray! Finally. Success! I had struck him again. And now he was in trouble. Having caught the full blast of the spray and receiving another blow with the heavy assault weapons he took refuge under a cushion. Seizing the moment and complete with mighty war cry, I jumped on the cushion feet first over and over again with all my might in an attempt to crush him. Not a single centimetre of the area did I neglect. After the smoke had cleared I lifted the cushion and surveyed the damage. The lone soldier was mortally injured but amazingly still alive writhing in agony from the poison gas attack. I fashioned a coffin for him from tissue paper out of respect for a fellow war veteran and laid him to rest in his eternal grave situated in the rubbish bin. Another casualty of war.