One of the occupational hazards facing the hapless foreigner in Japan is the determined English speaker seeker. The man or woman who is only interested in you because you speak English and will hunt you down with an efficiency and determination that is single minded and relentless.

I had the occasion once when I was working in the elementary schools to be accosted by a middle aged engineer working at the school. He spoke averagely good English and after my lessons at the school had finished and on a pretext to the head master of showing me out, led me through a large and sturdy iron gate down an echoing set of stone steps into the underbelly of the school where the generators and such were located.

I was nervous because I had been unwittingly led down into a distant place where no one except him and I knew where I was. Of course he only wanted to practice every single English conversation topic he had ever learned rather than penetrate me painfully via a rear orifice. Over a cup of disgusting cheap instant coffee in an unairconditioned room on a sweltering May day, he asked me about my family, job and hobbies and then in an incredibly fluid (dare I say well practiced) motion produced his card with personal email and home address and then asked for mine.

I had no choice but to do so. I am fortunate that he hasn`t contacted me since. To be fair he did seem genuinely interested in me but more as a curiosity or opportunity to be seized upon. When I could take no more I excused myself as I had to (sigh) walk the beast and left with an unpenetrated rear orifice.

I have met many of these people – whether through work which seems to especially produce such weirdos – or more happily via friends of Reiko`s friends or family who are normally of my own age and share interests.

The single (and cunning?) foreigner in Japan will use this situation with the opposite sex for easy romantic relationships and in some cases they get exactly what they ask for. Of course a more practical person in my situation would have arranged extortionately priced private lessons in busy public locations in order to fully benefit financially and securely from this situation. You live and learn.

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